Attorney General John Ashcroft recently met with
President Bush to share details of his latest
anti-terrorism measures, designed to prevent attacks
on America whqile preserving freedom and human rights
for all law-abiding citizens and visitors who don't
ASHCROFT: "Mr. President, you'll be glad to know that
the FBI database has been improved. It now holds a
comprehensive list of groups and individuals that have
given us trouble of any sort, including Al Qaeda, Al
Jihad and Al Gore."
BUSH: "Al Gore? He's not a terrorist, is he?"
ASHCROFT: "Probably not, Mr. President. But the FBI
tapped his phone line and heard him say he's targeting
the White House. We've been spying on him ever since
he grew that beard."
BUSH: "Good idea, John. The beard was mighty
suspicious. Make sure you let me know if you spot him
wearing a turban. That's usually the next step. It
would give us enough evidence to detain him."
ASHCROFT: "Yes, Mr. President. We're also starting a
program to fingerprint and photograph visitors from
certain countries, particularly the Islamic
BUSH: "Good idea, John. And let's not forget the
Muslim countries either."
ASHCROFT: "Yes, Mr. President. We're trying to use a
variety of methods. That's why we're reorganizing the
CIA. It will now stand for Central Investigation of
Arabs. We don't want to put all our eggs in one
BUSH: "That's good, John! Remember: money is no
object. We can always buy more baskets. We'll import
them if we need to." HAHAHAHA!!! (thatís me).
ASHCROFT: "Uh ... yes, sir, whatever you say. The ACLU
claims we're being discriminatory, but let's face
facts: One out of ten Arabs hates America. That
doesn't seem bad -- until you realize that only one
out of 50 hates Salman Rushdie. We need to look at the
big picture. If only one out of every 100,000 Arabs is
a terrorist, that doesn't seem like a problem. But if
we allow a million of them to enter the country, we're
admitting 10 terrorists!"
BUSH: "That's scary, John. But I have a solution:
Let's allow only 999,990 to enter."
ASHCROFT: "Yes, but how do we know which 10 to leave
BUSH: "Well, we can start with Louis Farrakhan. I
never did like him."
ASHCROFT: "Uh ... he's African-American, sir. Would
you like us to detain him?"
BUSH: "Yes, John, for at least a few decades. I
noticed you've detained several other people who
ASHCROFT: "Yes, but they all have connections to the
Arab world. For example, we've detained a man named
Live Bara. If you take the first letters of his names
and move them to the end, what do you get? Evil Arab.
Just a coincidence? I don't think so. We've also
detained a woman named Greta Baily. If you rearrange
the letters of her names, what do you get? Great
BUSH: "That's scary. But isn't it hard to keep track
of all these names?"
ASHCROFT: "Well, we're analyzing names using computer
software created by an Indian programmer named Prash
Desai. We hired him because his name -- you'll be glad
to know -- can be rearranged to form Sharp Ideas."
BUSH: "Wonderful! It's a good thing we grabbed him
before India did. Remind me to tell the Pakistani
president, Perverse Mushroom, that we did him a big