George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Dear Governor Bush:
So today is what you call "the moment of truth," the day
that "France and the rest of world have to show their
cards on the table." I'm glad to hear that this day has
finally arrived. Because, I gotta tell ya, having survived
440 days of your lying and conniving, I wasn't sure if I
could take much more. So I'm glad to hear that today is
Truth Day, 'cause I got a few truths I would like to share
1. There is virtually NO ONE in America (talk radio
nutters and Fox News aside) who is gung-ho to go to war.
Trust me on this one. Walk out of the White House and on
to any street in America and try to find five people who
are PASSIONATE about wanting to kill Iraqis. YOU WON'T
FIND THEM! Why?
'Cause NO Iraqis have ever come here and killed any of us!
No Iraqi has even threatened to do that. You see, this is
how we average Americans think:
If a certain so-and-so is not perceived as a threat to our
lives, then, believe it or not, we don't want to kill him!
Funny how that works!
2. The majority of Americans -- the ones who never elected
you -- are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
We know what the real issues are those affect our daily
lives -- and none of them begin with I or end in Q.
Here's what threatens us: two and a half million jobs lost
since you took office, the stock market having become a
cruel joke, no one knowing if their retirement funds are
going to be there, gas now costs two dollars a gallon --
the list goes on and on. Bombing Iraq will not make any of
this go away. Only you need to go away for things to
3. As Bill Maher said last week, how bad do you have to
suck to lose a popularity contest with Saddam Hussein? The
whole world is against you, Mr. Bush. Count your fellow
Americans among them.
4. The Pope has said this war is wrong, that it is a SIN.
The Pope! But even worse, the Dixie Chicks have now come
out against you! How bad does it have to get before you
realize that you are an army of one on this war? Of
course, this is a war you personally won't have to fight.
Just like when you went AWOL while the poor were shipped
to Vietnam in your place.
5. Of the 535 members of Congress, only ONE (Sen. Johnson
of South Dakota) has an enlisted son or daughter in the
armed forces! If you really want to stand up for America,
please send your twin daughters over to Kuwait right now
and let them don their chemical warfare suits. And let's
see every member of Congress with a child of military age
also sacrifice their kids for this war effort. What's that
you say? You don't THINK so? Well, hey, guess what -- we
don't think so either!
6. Finally, we love France. Yes, they have pulled some
royal screw-ups. Yes, some of them can be pretty damn
annoying. But have you forgotten we wouldn't even have
this country known as America if it weren't for the
French? That it was their help in the Revolutionary War
that won it for us?
That it was France who gave us our Statue of Liberty, a
Frenchman who built the Chevrolet, and a pair of French
brothers who invented the movies? And now they are doing
what only a good friend can do -- tell you the truth about
yourself, straight, no b.s. Quit pissing on the French and
thank them for getting it right for once. You know, you
really should have traveled more (like once) before you
took over. Your ignorance of the world has not only made
you look stupid, it has painted you into a corner you
can't get out of.
Well, cheer up -- there IS good news. If you do go through
with this war, more than likely it will be over soon
because I'm guessing there aren't a lot of Iraqis willing
to lay down their lives to protect Saddam Hussein. After
you "win" the war, you will enjoy a huge bump in the
popularity polls as everyone loves a winner -- and who
doesn't like to see a good ass-whoopin' every now and then
(especially when it's some third world ass!). And just
like with Afghanistan, we'll forget about what happens to
a country after we bomb it 'cause that is just too
complex! So try your best to ride this victory all the way
to next year's election. Of course, that's still a long
ways away, so we'll all get to have a good hardy-har-har
while we watch the economy sink even further down the
But, hey, who knows -- maybe you'll find Osama a few days
before the election! See, start thinking like THAT! Keep
hope alive! Kill Iraqis -- they got our oil!!